A Handful of Pandemonium

For a while I identified my self is pansexual. That’s really the labeled way of saying, “I GIVE NONE OF THE WHATS SO LONG AS I FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE.”

Though, I have this sort of weird preference for girls who look like boys but are still obviously feminine.

Seriously.

But hmm, it doesn’t really matter in the end considering the fact that I’m in a long-term relationship. *shrugs* It’s just sort of a shame I never had the opportunity to date a girl :I (Sometimes I swear by the fact that I’m attracted to girls ever so slightly more than boys as an overall. Thus why I reblog Bom Park every time she’s on my dash. *___* )

Alright sixteen-year-old me, you REALIZE IT’S AN UNAVOIDABLE THING, RIGHT?

Seriously though. I think this was fueled by the same car accident mentioned back in fact 80. At some point, I’d been watching so much Discovery Health (learning about the endless ways to die, very nice) and just… became irrational. I was afraid to do anything—car rides I’d sort of close my eyes and hope we’d make it safely (unless I was driving, which I avoided doing for that point of time), when we went to Disney World I was afraid of some rides that I would have enjoyed years ago, etc. I’d watch movies to help me fall asleep every night because I couldn’t convince myself I wouldn’t die in my sleep.

I remember just sitting around blankly. It was almost worse feeling that blank and lifeless than the awful bullshit that happened the year before.

Luckily it was just a phase that eventually passed. Now I just kind of… hope that I stay alive!

Or, rather: ちょっと日本語を話してます。

I took two levels (divided into two classes each: so essentially I took four classes). What’s really depressing is that next year, the year after I graduate, they’re offering more classes. ;_____; A classmate said I should drop by, and seriously, I think Sensei wouldn’t care in the least.

My weakness was always short forms and clause-modifying descriptions. Dx

The day after the written exam, Sensei had a conversation with me about if I would be interested in being an English teacher for Japanese students one day. Which was… a little shocking. But, you know, that is a nice idea to keep in my back pocket if this whole nursing career falls through.

I guess it technically is still a sort of dream job for me, but I just graduated for nursing, and I really don’t want those last two miserable years to go to waste. >__> (Plus it is a nice field that I found myself enjoying more than I could have imagined.)

BUT ANYWAY. Yes, for a long time I wanted to be a voice actor. It was apparent back when I’d talk in multiple voices. (…you know, actually, I do that now. Hm.) But it was nothing I really got myself into, which I do regret on some level. Apparently in my acting class I must’ve had some talent. …or I’d least I’d like to think so.

So it’s sort of this lost cause, but you know. I’m still happy where I am as of now.